More Than Anything
by Elvin Magi
Summary: Love is humanity's cure for being alone. Yullen- yaoi. A compilation of one-shots of all genres. Can be read collectively or alone.
1. More Than Anything

This is a result of me reading the new chapter and getting mad at Alma. He's like a kinda pathetic Allen and he restricts Yullen possibilities… He's okay, I just don't like him. He made me think well… kinda how Allen is thinking in this fic. Very angsty but I was finally able to use a summary idea I've had drifting around, I just didn't know how to use it. As a reminder, I don't have a beta *hint hint*. Please review!

I initially was going to leave it at this but thanks to a wonderful review from **Fire Storm Weaver** I got an idea for a new chapter! And that chapter gave me an idea for a third chapter, but each of them can be read on their own as one-shots, hence why it's labeled complete. The other two chapters will be a bit cute and fluffy, unlike this one.

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Allen wondered if he was a cheap replacement for Alma.

The false smile, the arguments, the physical fights, even his name seemed similar.

More than anything, Allen feared that, yet again, he was only loved for someone he resembled yet was not. More than anything, Allen feared that once again, he would be left because again it would be realized he wasn't the person they hoped he was and he didn't want to be. Allen had dared to hope that Kanda accepted him in his own way, for being _Allen_, not the Fourteenth, not a savior, not a martyr, not an angel. More than anything, he wanted that to be true. More than anything, Allen wanted to be accepted for who he was and never have to be alone again.

He had dared to long for Kanda to rescue him from his eternal loneliness, for even Lavi or Lenalee would desert him soon in their confusion and their lack of understanding of the darkness that consumed him. But now Allen knew; he _did_ resemble Alma, he could see that. So it was impossible to have the acceptance he yearned for. So, more than anything, Allen wished he had looked away. More than anything, he wished he had never seen Kanda and Alma together. More than anything, he wished he could retain the ignorance and maintain the, though probably false, feeling that he was loved and no longer alone. Even if he was still truly loved by Kanda, memories of Alma and the Fourteenth would always overshadow them and they would break apart, leaving Allen alone.

More than anything, Allen _needs_ love so he will not be alone. And he will never fulfill that need. That is why, more than anything, Allen will live and die horribly, irrevocably, painfully, alone.


	2. All He Knew

So, chapter 2… This one is all fluffy and I know it needs a bit more editing but I wanted to get it out there. I'm thinking that there might be one more chapter but I'm not sure. So, read and review! Constructive criticism is appreciated as well as ideas for my next chapter.

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Allen's chest rose and fell gently under the navy blanket and he snuggled closer to Kanda. For a moment, Kanda wondered what had brought him to the boy. The icy mask of indifference that hadn't fallen since Alma had been easily melted as the two exorcists had grown closer. Allen was the first to truly make him feel down in the depth of his soul since long ago. Sure he had felt some brotherly affection for Lenalee, some friendly annoyance with Lavi, some hatred for the Earl and akuma, but ever since Alma had gone, his true emotions deep inside had lain undisturbed.

But from the beginning, every time Allen was around, Kanda felt his soul stir. So unused to the feelings that had remained dormant, it had been disturbing to say the least. So Kanda tried to keep up his barriers and remain cold, yet from the start, he had felt. He felt true anger, full bodied annoyance, and, starting at Martel, almost protectiveness. He had been unable to control his feelings and it showed. Allen had been naive and weak and the fact that such a _moyashi_ could cause such confusion angered him all the more.

What had bugged Kanda was also the fact that it wasn't just around the moyashi that he felt. Upon the fateful meeting, Allen had made him notice others and feel for them. The more he was around Allen, the more emotions were dredged up. The surface friendship masked by annoyance for Lavi turned into a true companionship. The slight protective affection for Lenalee turned into what could be described as a truly sibling-like caring. Even emotions towards ordinary and random people occurred.

The feelings towards Allen constantly changed. It had always been something unlike anything else, a mixture of known and unknown feelings and confusion twisting into something unnamable, undefined, and completely strange, until Allen shared the memories. From then on, the emotions had been much more solid. There was rage, and something similar to embarrassment but not (simply because Kanda Yuu did _not_ get embarrassed). But in a way, it made Kanda more comfortable around the moyashi. Allen had been uncomfortable and bore knowledge that no one was ever intended to see, but he had seen and understood. Kanda was really no longer alone. And through Allen's understanding of him, Kanda soon came to understand the boy in a way. He never would've thought that Allen had been afraid he was a replacement for Alma. The moyashi being jealous was, in a way, humorous. And he'd found himself laughing. Kanda Yuu had laughed. The moyashi, head cast downwards in shy embarrassment, had looked up in shock and, in turn, been kissed.

Even now, Kanda didn't quite understand why he had done such a thing. All he knew was that it had felt so right and led to where he was now. All he knew was that it had felt perfect, lips pressed against Allen's with a shocked Lavi and Lenalee standing by, arrived just in time and drawn by the unusual sound of Kanda's laughter. It had felt right, after pulling away, responding with a "Che" and a smirk to Lavi's questioning of his eyes and sanity. It had felt right when Lenalee started to giggle and the moyashi had gone red. It had felt right, later being able to claim the moyashi as his own. It had felt right being able to grab Allen and drag him down a side corridor just to shove him against a wall, tongues and teeth clashing. It had felt right seeing silver-blue eyes glazed over, but most of all it felt too right holding Allen close and exchanging the three most life changing words over and over as if the world was ending and they had waited too long. And, in a way they had. The two had spent many years of their lives never knowing the other and even after they had met, they had whiled away even more time.

All Kanda knew, was that drifting away to sleep with Allen tucked safely away in his arms felt too right.


	3. Waking Up

I've officially decided that this will be a series of one-shots focusing on Yullen. They'll be anything ranging from short humorous stories to long angsty ideas, but all of these will, to some degree, be based off of the fact that Allen is what is present in Kanda's life and Alma is the past that should be remembered but not dwelled upon. Each can be read on its own or they can be read as a collective work.

This one is an attempt at fluff and humor, and a very clichéd on at that, but there are slight traces of anti-Alma, though probably not enough that one could be bothered by it.

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Waking up in the morning, pressed against Kanda's warm, bare chest was a relief to Allen. So different from the dread that had faced him before, Allen felt a soft warmth that curled up in his chest and made happy tears prick at his eyes.

Before, Allen would wake from nightmares of Mana's death, the end of the order, or unnamable darkness. Before, Allen would dread waking up, even from those nightmares, in fear that something would not go right and he would continue to bring bad luck upon those around him. Before, waking up had meant facing the nightmares of reality and gazing upon twisted souls- human and akuma alike. Before, waking up was fearful.

Looking at Kanda's face, gentle and smooth, at the midnight-hued hair splayed around them, Allen felt a satisfaction. A bit twisted and selfish, but Allen felt a gladness that _he_ was the one who could see Kanda sleep without protest from the stoic man. _He_ was the one who could nestle closer into that chest, and revel in the protective feel instead of fearing to be kicked out with Mugen at his throat. _He_, Allen Walker, was the only one who ever had or ever could press his lips against the slightly parted ones of his sleeping companion to see those endless deep eyes blink open and penetrate his soul, silently telling of never-ending love and affection. Only he would ever see those eyes and murmur a soft "Good morning" and get an appreciative sigh and lips pressed against his forehead. Only Allen. Not Lavi, not Lenalee, and definitely not Alma.

Mornings (or rather late afternoons, as they often were when neither Allen nor Kanda had a mission) became a wonderful part of Allen's day. The only thing possibly left to desire was for the Order to get bigger beds.


	4. Perhaps

All right... Since I finished writing a new story... I'm posting this by my set of new rules regarding how I post or whatever... this technically isn't a story on its own since I'm putting it here, but its been sitting around for a while. I'm not particularly happy about it, but well... here it is anyways. I wasn't sure whether I should make it a totally different oneshot or stick it in here since it doesn't quite fit with my theme of looking at Alma/Mana and how they're in the past, but it's kinda short. This is a talking to Kand sort of thing... kinda weird and random... Any feedback would be great though, regarding this oneshot, regarding this collection as a whole, regarding the placement of this work, etc. Thank you!

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Maybe, just maybe, this war isn't so bad.

The two of you wouldn't be where you are now if the war had never occurred (well, perhaps you would've, but for the sake of the simplicity you always seek, you don't believe so). He might not be curled into your chest, breathing slow and gentle in his state of sleep.

If not for the Earl, he never would've been cursed. If not for the akuma, you two would've never met (at least under the circumstances that started all this). If not for the fighting, you two may've never developed the love-hate relationship that changed into this.

Hand ghosting across the scar on his face, brushing away the soft hair to better gaze at his gentle expression, you wonder how things changed.

If not for the war, perhaps if you had met, it would simply be hatred you two felt (perhaps not, but one always wonders). If not for the darkness both of you were drowning in, the two of you would not have needed the other to stay sane, to know that you were still alive and real.

If not for the losses of loved ones, you two would not have drowned in that mutual sorrow. If not for the arguments over how the others are in the past, you two never would've realized the similarities.

Perhaps, without all the darkness and pain the two of you have gone through, you two would not be in love. So perhaps, everything will turn out all right.


	5. Hypocritical Love

Here's a new chapter! This one is talking to Kanda, like the last one but it actually looks at the Alma-Kanda and Mana-Allen relationships, it follows the theme I have (as a refresher, how those relationships are in the past, but Kanda-Allen is now). I have another I might be able to put here since I haven't touched this for a while and I realized a lot of my stuff would work here... anyways... I realized this theme was a bit hypocritical so that's what inspired this. Thank you for reading, please review!

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_It's in the past. He's gone. There's nothing you can do know. Let it lie and love those who are here now._

So you tell him. You press into his collarbone and inhale, and let him bury his head in your hair and cry as you whisper those words of comfort.

But it seems so hypocritical at times. Even as you remind him that the past is gone, thoughts too close to his cross your mind. Thoughts almost identical, except for the name and face. So you try to forget. In actuality, it's not as hard as you expected.

The names aren't too far. A tweak and the name from long ago becomes that of the angel in the present. A face of a long gone friend, twisted in a stupid grin, quickly disappears under a vision of shining white with a sadder, almost mask-like, yet still genuine, smile. Memories of dorky, pathetic fights, give way to genuine tests of skill that end in frantic, clashes as physical and violent as the fight itself, but that most definitely would not be looked upon by others without flaming cheeks and squeaked apologies.

You won't forget. You can't turn back time. You know that all too well. What happened in the past will always be important to who you are now. But you know that the time for active mourning is gone. You both will cherish such precious memories, but now you two are together and you must cast aside the bonds that tie you back to long ago. The two of you will live in the present, each other. That's all that there is left to do.

Hypocrites... that's what you two are. You say you hate liars and those who go against what they say, but you yourself do so and so does he. You love him with ever particle of your being and the hatred for yourself does not match your words. You two are humans. Hypocrisy is in your blood.

Because now, now that the two of you have found the purity of love, you'll never forget it, never leave it behind. If one of you is to die, the other will surely follow gladly when the time comes. You may leave those in the past behind as your words suggest, but you will go against those words for each other. That is love. That is hypocrisy. That is life.

Really, there is no way to avoid it. You two may be hypocrites, but you understand the depth and details of that hypocrisy. Anyways, true love conquers all, no? In the face of true love, hypocrisy is irrelevant. The only thing that really matters is that you two are together right here, right now.


	6. Hell

_**Author's Note (1 June 2010):**_

So... Anyone heard new on Yullen week? I haven't, but this is me. I completely zoned until today so I'm publishing this old piece of crap. I'll edit later but for now this is okay. I got into Yullen a few days after Yullen week last year so I'm NOT missing it this time. Anyways, in honor of Yullen week, I give you this bit of depression and angst. It's a bit outta order (I'm not even sure I want this here) so I'll be rearranging this fic and editting (I'm looking back and oh god, I need to fix a lot) but I haven't done much here recently so... here we go.

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So... you have your own hell.

Perhaps we really are similar and Marie is right, after all, he was the first Exorcist you met, he would know you.

Seeing things that aren't there, living because you were told not to die, 'killing' the one you loved.  
You really are like me.

Wearing a mask, pretending that you don't fear, don't hurt. Hiding the sadness, the pain, the misery, the memories.  
I'm not alone.

Holding back true emotion, and fighting for the sake of something to live for. Unconsciously finding yourself protecting Lenalee, tutoring Krory, watching Lavi's back, supporting Miranda and Marie, beyond the necessity for fellow soldiers you claim it is.  
We're not so different.

You fake disinterest; I fake joy. You see a woman; I see a monster. Your life is in lotuses; my life is in music. You killed your friend, only to have him return; I saw my father die, only to kill the demon his soul was restored to. You live because the woman said you couldn't die yet; I live because my father told me to keep walking. You fight, because that was what you were made to do; I fight so I won't have murdered in vain.

We fight each other because our souls recognize kindred spirits. We fight each other because we are afraid we will see through our porcelain facades. We fight each other because we saw the truth from the start. We fight each other because our souls are in a synchronized turmoil. We fight each other because each harsh word we give relieves a burden, and each insult we receive breaks a piece of off the hell in our heads.

We are one and the same. Together, perhaps we can dispel our madness. The means we use don't matter. When this war is over, we'll be going to Hell anyways.


End file.
